Yoga can also ‘treat’ homosexuality.
It is not proved yet but we will know in the days to come if that feat is doable by the new age Patanjali, Baba Ramdev. The yoga guru has earlier claimed to have cured everything from cancer to infertility.
And now he claims homosexuality can be ‘cured’ as well.
That will be asexual music to the holy ears of the plethora of
swamis, maulvis, Fathers,
munis etc. whose spiritual solace has been shattered by a few love-crazed bunch of people demanding their right to be.
As a reward for Ramdev, there are completely unfounded reports that, all these religious leaders will prescribe Ramdev’s paid TV slots to their flock as manna. They will bleat with divine joy- or rather pant what with the many Pranayam asanas.
But what will Ramdev - and the other keepers of faith - do to cap the innate inclination of a man or a woman to be a partner with those of their own sex? For starters, the Baba has challenged the July 2 verdict of the Delhi High Court that said the Constitution guarantees freedom and equality to every Indian minority- gay or original scriptwriters of Bollywood.
The Yoga guru contends with complete confidence that men liking men or women liking women is a disease which can be cured by yoga, pranayam and that the right to privacy cannot include the right to enjoy deviant sexual preferences.
He is also worried that legalizing homosexuality will bring the lever down on the human producing machine that our country has become. Had he waited for a day more, the artificial sperm invention in Britain would have rested any anxiety of not having enough
chelas in near future.
In all likelihood, we can expect an evolution defying asana that will make your heart beat only for the opposite sex. It may include gently (or forcibly, if you are from Naaz) turning your head in another direction whenever you see the person of your sex. But then how will all the gay & happy men look at Baba Ramdev himself to know what the next position is in this missionary asana?
And what will it be called? There are some options: If ‘Don’t-Fantasise-About-Same-Sex asana’ sounds too pervert, you can take your pick from ‘We-Are-Indians-Not-Gays asana’ or ‘I-Define-What’s-Normal asana.’
For me, though, ‘World-Is-Flat-Not-Top-or-Bottom’ works best. How effective it would be is completely debatable, seeing that all his Pranayam failed Ramdev in keeping his cool and tolerating some ideas different from his. I guess no one’s perfect after all. At least his hair is jet black- due to pranayam I hope.
The big Ayurveda center that he has built near Haridwar may start a new wing to manufacture medicines for curing LGBTs (lesbians,gays,bisexuals,transgenders). Rx for XXX. Natural medicine so that you don’t become unnatural.
For the extreme cases, some religious leaders may recommend wearing steel undergarments, something that the ascetics of yore did to keep in check their basic instincts. The aim and objective is still the same of course- curbing that which is deemed out of place for a particular group of people.
The Maulvi will just need to issue a Fatwa and considering that the Deoband supports it, I suppose it will have many takers. Poor madrassa students- another chapter added in the list of fatwas that they need to memorise. Father Emmanuel of course believes that the Christian countries which have legalized homosexuality (126) have moved away from God as their churches are empty. Indians are very religious, he added.
One remembers Jesus mumbling, “Father, forgive them…’ at this moment, I don’t know the reason why, though.
An astrologer called Suresh Kumar Kaushal has also joined ranks with the sermons against reading down Article 377. Now his move may be well calculated in astro terms as he seems to have foreseen that being named in the same breath as Ramdev, Dominic Emmanuel etc will make his stars favourable.
Kaushal has submitted that even animals don’t indulge in same sex acts. Had only he taken Animal Science instead of shooting stars, he would have known that homosexuality has been observed in more than 1500 animals, including insects, spiders, crustaceans, octopi and parasitic worms. Where does the ‘gays are not in nature’ argument come from is a mystery.
Or if he had studied history, he would have known that relationship with same sex was common in Alexander the Great, Michelangelo and Plato among others. The last one in the list was a Greek- the symbol of civilization and a race which didn’t bat an eyelid on homosexuality.
Why would anyone who knows being heterosexual or homosexual is not a choice? It’s an orientation. Something like most people write with the right hand, but some naturally take to the left hand. Nothing Earth shattering there. Nothing harming any one here, let alone our ‘rich culture’ that the religious leaders invoked to condemn scrapping 377; conveniently forgetting that the culture became rich by accepting those with different approaches to life.
Now that was an asana that we seem to have lost lately. Will Ramdev- undoubtedly knowledgeable in the ancient science- please begin a mission on that? Let’s call it ‘Live-And-Let-Live’ asana.
I know that sounds familiar and old. That’s your cue for joining in the effort.
(The views expressed by the author in the blog are his/her own)