A UNSC dream

By Shashank Chouhan | Last Updated: Nov 16, 2010, 20:05 PM IST

Even the neighbour’s steady snoring couldn’t disrupt my dream the other night – India sat on the highest of global tables, finally. <br><br>
And by the virtue of being there, India could choose the kind of table it would be. It was made from the finest sal and teak from the pristine heights of Kashmir. A waiter from Pakistan, with Hitler like moustache and with a square set jaw, served piping hot <i>kahwa</i> to our other noble friends – Brazil, South Africa, Japan and Germany. <br><br>
When America asked us if it could have some more of that ‘incredible’ stuff (Ah, Obama! He used ‘incredible’ 19 times while in India and it became his pet word), we only said politely, ‘please finish your <i>gilauti kebabs</i> first.’ <br><br>
As you can make out, it was a little party at the mighty new United Nations headquarters in Bangalore. The choice to re-establish it was not a village in Punjab or Chandni Chowk or an old section in Kolkata. But Bangalore, with its great weather, filter coffee and a thriving pub culture, won the day eventually. Apart from the fact that any IT issues wouldn’t be outsourced anymore what with Infosys bang next door. And Carla Bruni could croon at any non-descript waterhole without ruining her husband’s career. <br><br>
At the party, India made sure there was no Chinese delicacy or even the cheap Chinese platter on the menu – it had had enough of dragon meat lately. And everybody was served on fresh banana leaves, not the disposable Chinese plates. They liked the idea that eating on leaves meant feeling the food. And nobody needed to do the dishes after either. <br><br>
Mr. Zuma ordered a carton of leaves later for his own kitchen. He had had enough of: “You like her more? You do the dishes tonight…c*!@#,” from his third wife. <br><br>
C-word reminds me that no one was afraid of any words on that table. Not the C-word (‘change’ as in Obama’s; what were you thinking, China?); the K-word (‘Kyunki saas’ programs; not Kashmir which has long settled happily as India’s crown); not the P-word (Pakistan. You got that right); or even the F-word (Forward Block. Not what you obviously thought). <br><br>
But India did ask everyone to be cautious about the I-word, as in the ‘I’ of ego, not Iran; and to not confuse ‘Adarsh’ with any scandal. That word still means ideal. It gave immense joy to India in jokingly quipping, “I for ideal, I for India.” <br><br>
Pakistan didn’t laugh though. Last round of sanctions had wiped off their loud sense of humour along with funds for their Army. No funds, no Taliban - the world had just realized. The Chinese, well, you can never tell by their expression if they mean to be funny or friendly or fiendish, can you? <br><br>
Am I being racial here? No, I don’t think so. That word has been reserved for the Australians long back who nodded their head to everything once we sat on the high table, apart from presenting us brand new washing machines and furniture. And uranium, of course. <br><br>
Music was great too. BSF and Naval bands played ‘Ae meri zohra jabi…’ and the Obamas had to be literally dragged back to their permanent seat from the dancing floor. And, oh, Michelle is still better at it. <br><br>
With Manmohan having been christened Mr Guru by all those on the table, his ideas on open economy and free, fair trade were applauded loudly. President Obama kept telling everyone, “He is a personal friend,” and it was making Dr Singh a little embarrassed. Thanks to his sharp wit – there must be a reason that Obama kept smiling with his full teeth set every time he was with him in India – the Doha debate was won in the favour of free trade. It led to creation of lakhs of jobs in all parts of the world, including the US. That gave special relief to the PM because he was spared the prospect of air-kissing Sarah Palin at some point in the future. <br><br>
Though that saddened many-a hearts at the high table, it was considered to be in the interest of world at large. The UNSC regained its lost respect in this single achievement. <br><br>
With nobody in the mood to head home, the party went on into the wee hours of the morning. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was a policewallah. Some neighbor had called him up complaining of loud music. Many suspected it was Myanmar who had been at the receiving end. <br><br>
Nobody came close to the cop, not because they were afraid but because he had a big paunch which prevented anyone from whispering in his ear that it was not a normal party, that these guys could do anything in this world. But there was no telling the police man who kept asking for the license to serve alcohol after midnight. As Dr Singh kept his usual quiet what with him never being on the wrong side of the law, it was America who rescued the world powers like it rescues its economy – by infusing money. <br><br>
So Obama took out a 100 dollar bill from the USD 600 bn freshly printed at the Federal Reserve and put it in the cop’s pocket. Suddenly the latter realized he was standing before the world’s second most powerful man – the first one being the Indian PM, of course – and vanished, giving him a salute. <br><br>
As the party got back to life, there was a loud voice of a woman who was asking everyone to stop and get up. First I thought it was Mrs Gursharan Kaur asking her husband to go to sleep as it was too late, but was quite shocked to see my mother standing in the hall! <br><br>
She was asking me to wake up and listen to what Obama was saying in Parliament of India. She said he had announced support for India’s bid for becoming a permanent member of the Security Council. Not only that, she said, he seemed to know Chandni Chowk like the back of his palm and he was speaking Hindi. I couldn’t decide - which one was the dream?