‘Keeping’ a friendship!
I just can't figure out how to stop losing friends. It’s not as though I'm pushing them away or something…but more like I can't keep up with them somehow. Had read somewhere that ‘friendships don’t end because of arguments; they end because people don’t communicate, don’t make an effort to repair the relationship, and don’t accept the responsibility for their contribution to the crisis’.
For the past few days, I’ve been asking myself all the time if this was entirely my fault. And I get an outright ‘no’ for an answer from my sense of right and wrong which sweeps away the guilt that’s killing me. But what’s bothering me is the whole idea of consciously ‘trying’ to ‘keep’ a friendship which, going by the rules, requires some special efforts from both the ends. I just wish a friendship and a bond could be kept effortlessly and smoothly!
Since I prefer going with the flow to going by the rule, I’ve never had a problem in initiating a conversation, and neither do I mind taking the first step towards repairing a wounded relationship. But ironically, there are times when I really don’t feel like doing it, even for the one, who undeniably means a lot to me.
I truly feel that ego is the most trivial thing that may have come in the way of relationship, so that aspect of my behaviour can be conveniently ruled out. But then I really fail to decipher as to ‘what’ holds me back when it gets very hard to just pick up the phone and text or call up the other person at least for the sake of saving our relationship. I know this little effort could act like a balm on our not-so-wrecked friendship, but I can’t do it till I genuinely stop treating it like an effort. I think one should at least be honest in one’s gestures, after all.
It generally never has to do with an argument, and therefore, there can’t be a question of waiting for the other person to make the first move towards a possible patch-up or anything. And then comes the time when we are apparently expected to figure out as to what must be causing the awkwardness, hesitation between us and in the process accepting the fact that we need to strictly abide by the norms that are mandatory for ‘keeping’ a friendship – some amount of pretense too seems needed to not let the relationship taper off.
But how I wish I could do it!
At such times, I feel as if I’m trapped in limbo…just don’t want to let go. I do realise that there are ways I can still protect the relationship, but just don’t wish to force it on myself only for the sake of ‘keeping’ it. So at the end, I just deduce even the best maintained friendships can end. Communication stops, differences become apparent, and you can’t do a thing about it. You drift apart and then everything is supposed to fade away with time.
I wonder what leads to the death of feelings so abruptly, when at the beginning there was never a scope for lack of communication or unexpressed emotions in the relationship. It is always about connecting with the like-mind.
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