Fights with hubby peps up relationship: Book

New Delhi, Jun 04: Next time you menfolk pick up a fight with your wives, don`t worry as fights can be healthy and, if well utilised, even energising for a relationship, according to a noted couples` therapist.

"Most good couples` therapists will tell you that fights are healthy, and if well utilised, even energising for a relationship," writes psychiatrist Vijay Nagaswami in "The 24x7 Marriage: Smart Strategies for Good Beginnings".

"When two persons engage in an honest, close, intimate, communicating relationship where they attempt to share and engage with each others minds, there is bound to be some friction generated," the book, published by Westland Limited, says.

According to Nagaswami, who has worked closely on relationships and with couples from across the country for nearly 25 years, when couples tell him they don`t fight he is concerned for their relationship.

"Not fighting could often, though not always, be a symptom of not engaging with each other. When couples tell me they fight incessantly, I am more concerned with what they fight about than the fact that they fight so much."

He says the trick with fighting is to fight smart, not hard.

"In its most basic and simple form, a fight represents a temporary breakdown of love, trust, respect and intimacy between a man and a woman, owing to a gap in communication, understanding or tolerance between the two.

"Fights can actually do the marriage some good, if we approach them sensibly. They are usually cues that something is happening under the surface, and if we devote some time and energy in understanding these, we can actually get closer to our partner," Nagaswami writes.

The writer says there`s no point in couple`s getting upset over the fact that they fight.

"If you learn to fight smart, you`ll find that whatever energies you have dissipated in the fight will be a small price to pay for getting to know your partner better. However, just make sure that you fight smart, and not hard," he advises.

According to Nagaswami, the age-old institution requires new treatment as people are foundering hard in their pursuit of that holy grail of marriage: happiness.

In his book, he points, with skill and humour, to some popularly posed questions - and their somewhat startling solutions - that couples must ideally address before they affix a date to their wedding invitations...or as soon as possible after.

Bureau Report