"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Mitch Hedberg
"Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out, take another shot."
"I'm not a morning person. I'm not a night person. I'm a 'whenever the coffee kicks in' person."
"Life is short. Make every outfit count."
"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference." - Mitch Hedberg
"I love being an adult. It's like being a kid, but with more responsibilities and less naptime." - Unknown
"Life hack: just put a coffee cup in your hand and suddenly you're a functioning member of society."
"I'm not a hoarder, I'm just a collector of things I might need someday. Like, 20 years from now. Maybe."
"Life is like a video game. You start with full health, and then you take damage as you go. But sometimes, you get a power-up and everything's okay again."