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"I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I once got fired from a hot air balloon factory for calling in sick." - Tim Allen
"I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths." - Steven Wright
"I'm not sure what's tighter, my jeans or my schedule." - Ellen DeGeneres
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode." - Mitch Hedberg
"I tried meditation, but I couldn't stop thinking about how well I was doing at meditating." - Jerry Seinfeld
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can sleep through an earthquake, a hurricane, and my own wedding." - Rita Rudner
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." - Robin Williams