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Wedding traumas: The Asian Age
New Delhi, Oct 11: There was a celebrity wedding a couple of weeks ago. A filmi wedding really. Both were trying it out for the second time.
New Delhi, Oct 11: There was a celebrity wedding a couple of weeks ago. A filmi wedding really. Both were trying it out for the second time.
One after a broken marriage and the other after a broken engagement. As could be expected, the media whipped up great interest in the event as it does for all or any news relating to Bollywood celebrities and their weddings, their divorces, their fights, their spats and, of course, their affairs. But of particular interest were the various juicy articles which appeared in various newspapers giving lists of those who attended, those who did not attend, and of those who were not invited. This raises some very interesting issues of human pettiness and foibles which inevitably come to the fore when it comes to a wedding in the family. It is amazing how the occasion of a wedding becomes a great event for settling all kinds of scores. Egos get taken out of the cupboard along with the family jewels. Both are polished till they are dazzling. Members of the immediate family are quick and even more ready to get hurt on the slightest pretext, including the perceived lack of "proper respect." I know of one such occasion in one of the leading textile families of the city. The brothers had been estranged for some time. The brother in whose immediate family the wedding was to take place thought that this was a good opportunity to restore relations. He went to the elder brother and sought his permission to put his name on the card. The elder brother agreed but however he had a condition. He handed over a list, albeit small, of persons (from the family) who should not be invited. This condition was not accepted and so his whole family boycotted the wedding. The rift became unbridgeable. The feud is forever. A wedding is serious trauma for the persons who, in the midst of all the strains and tribulations that come with all the various preparations, have to do a fine balancing act. Half seriously, I had suggested to my daughter that she should elope. I, of course was quite clear that we would inform everybody of her marriage and also clearly request them to send all the presents to a particular place, adding on a premium for all the aggravation that I would have saved them from by their not having to dress up, travel in traffic and attend a reception, which I personally find, at times, to be a huge strain. The biggest torture around a wedding are the inevitable mistakes and omissions one makes whilst putting together the list of invitees. This is a real nightmare. A very dear friend of mine had a huge problem when some of her cards were sent out with a few spelling and other mistakes. The recipients were offended beyond measure. She personally called all of them and profusely apologised. It did not work. On occasions like these, some people, instead of overlooking and forgiving a bona fide mistake, turn senselessly vicious. Some of them hold grudges forever. I pity them.
It is the family members who are probably the worst of the lot. Particularly the elders. At one wedding the father of the bride was given the pride of place by the groom’s family. The elder brother sulked and threatened to boycott the rest of the functions. It took two hours of frantic (and humiliating) persuasion to get him to relent and to attend. He finally did, but the sulk continued.
The list of non invitees has two offshoots. Firstly there are the Page Three wannabes who get tremendously disturbed when they find that they have not received an invitation. The anxiety becomes overpowering. For months, at several parties before the great forthcoming event, the conversation hovers around "Have you been invited or not?" The bigger bitches, knowing that the cat has not been called, purr sweetly, "So what will you be wearing?" The milk turns sour with all the acid. It is then a matter of undying shame for such persons to confess that they have not been invited. Therefore, it is not surprising that some people even brazenly wrangle an invitation. I know of people who actually call and tell the inviter, "I have not received a card. I am sure there is some mistake." Few will then say, "But you are not invited!"
The second is settling scores. "I do not like you and now is the time to show it." One would have thought a time of happiness is the time to bury hatchets. It does not happen that way. The manner in which people have reacted to the wedding of Karisma Kapoor raises interesting issues of how immature our society is becoming. There were talks of how this became an occasion for whips to be issued and people were asked to "stand outside" and be counted! It was the expression of loyalty to a group that was not going to attend. The papers certainly played up to the occasion. All of them proved their own immaturity.
There are some exceptions. Some persons are graciousness personified. I must relate my own personal experience. Being a law officer of Maharashtra, it was my privilege to personally invite the then governor, Dr P.C. Alexander. I was warned by his secretary that he had several engagements on that day and he would not be able to make it. Nevertheless, I sought an appointment and went to extend the invitation to him. He turned to his secretary and said, "I know we have several engagements but I want to be present at this wedding." And he came along with his charming wife. Such gestures can never be forgotten.
Perhaps one should follow the way royalty does it. Some years ago there was a wedding in a royal family. Then, I learnt of a curious tradition as far as such households are concerned. Invitations are distributed impersonally and never handed over personally. There is never a special request to attend. It is assumed that you will appreciate the honour extended to you and turn up. Come if you want. Stay away at your peril!
The irony about weddings is how the excitement is built up even though, as in the wedding in question, the groom was a rather experienced fellow having gone through an earlier affair with similar, if not greater, fanfare. What upsets the invitees is that after all the trouble the tie-up gets untied. The gift is wasted. Reacting to such situations, a dear friend of mine suggested that one should give gifts in the form of post-dated cheques encashable only if the marriage lasts for a minimum of five years. I thought this was quite a sensible suggestion. Otherwise, in several cases, people would have to sue for a refund. And you know how long cases take in court!
One after a broken marriage and the other after a broken engagement. As could be expected, the media whipped up great interest in the event as it does for all or any news relating to Bollywood celebrities and their weddings, their divorces, their fights, their spats and, of course, their affairs. But of particular interest were the various juicy articles which appeared in various newspapers giving lists of those who attended, those who did not attend, and of those who were not invited. This raises some very interesting issues of human pettiness and foibles which inevitably come to the fore when it comes to a wedding in the family. It is amazing how the occasion of a wedding becomes a great event for settling all kinds of scores. Egos get taken out of the cupboard along with the family jewels. Both are polished till they are dazzling. Members of the immediate family are quick and even more ready to get hurt on the slightest pretext, including the perceived lack of "proper respect." I know of one such occasion in one of the leading textile families of the city. The brothers had been estranged for some time. The brother in whose immediate family the wedding was to take place thought that this was a good opportunity to restore relations. He went to the elder brother and sought his permission to put his name on the card. The elder brother agreed but however he had a condition. He handed over a list, albeit small, of persons (from the family) who should not be invited. This condition was not accepted and so his whole family boycotted the wedding. The rift became unbridgeable. The feud is forever. A wedding is serious trauma for the persons who, in the midst of all the strains and tribulations that come with all the various preparations, have to do a fine balancing act. Half seriously, I had suggested to my daughter that she should elope. I, of course was quite clear that we would inform everybody of her marriage and also clearly request them to send all the presents to a particular place, adding on a premium for all the aggravation that I would have saved them from by their not having to dress up, travel in traffic and attend a reception, which I personally find, at times, to be a huge strain. The biggest torture around a wedding are the inevitable mistakes and omissions one makes whilst putting together the list of invitees. This is a real nightmare. A very dear friend of mine had a huge problem when some of her cards were sent out with a few spelling and other mistakes. The recipients were offended beyond measure. She personally called all of them and profusely apologised. It did not work. On occasions like these, some people, instead of overlooking and forgiving a bona fide mistake, turn senselessly vicious. Some of them hold grudges forever. I pity them.
It is the family members who are probably the worst of the lot. Particularly the elders. At one wedding the father of the bride was given the pride of place by the groom’s family. The elder brother sulked and threatened to boycott the rest of the functions. It took two hours of frantic (and humiliating) persuasion to get him to relent and to attend. He finally did, but the sulk continued.
The list of non invitees has two offshoots. Firstly there are the Page Three wannabes who get tremendously disturbed when they find that they have not received an invitation. The anxiety becomes overpowering. For months, at several parties before the great forthcoming event, the conversation hovers around "Have you been invited or not?" The bigger bitches, knowing that the cat has not been called, purr sweetly, "So what will you be wearing?" The milk turns sour with all the acid. It is then a matter of undying shame for such persons to confess that they have not been invited. Therefore, it is not surprising that some people even brazenly wrangle an invitation. I know of people who actually call and tell the inviter, "I have not received a card. I am sure there is some mistake." Few will then say, "But you are not invited!"
The second is settling scores. "I do not like you and now is the time to show it." One would have thought a time of happiness is the time to bury hatchets. It does not happen that way. The manner in which people have reacted to the wedding of Karisma Kapoor raises interesting issues of how immature our society is becoming. There were talks of how this became an occasion for whips to be issued and people were asked to "stand outside" and be counted! It was the expression of loyalty to a group that was not going to attend. The papers certainly played up to the occasion. All of them proved their own immaturity.
There are some exceptions. Some persons are graciousness personified. I must relate my own personal experience. Being a law officer of Maharashtra, it was my privilege to personally invite the then governor, Dr P.C. Alexander. I was warned by his secretary that he had several engagements on that day and he would not be able to make it. Nevertheless, I sought an appointment and went to extend the invitation to him. He turned to his secretary and said, "I know we have several engagements but I want to be present at this wedding." And he came along with his charming wife. Such gestures can never be forgotten.
Perhaps one should follow the way royalty does it. Some years ago there was a wedding in a royal family. Then, I learnt of a curious tradition as far as such households are concerned. Invitations are distributed impersonally and never handed over personally. There is never a special request to attend. It is assumed that you will appreciate the honour extended to you and turn up. Come if you want. Stay away at your peril!
The irony about weddings is how the excitement is built up even though, as in the wedding in question, the groom was a rather experienced fellow having gone through an earlier affair with similar, if not greater, fanfare. What upsets the invitees is that after all the trouble the tie-up gets untied. The gift is wasted. Reacting to such situations, a dear friend of mine suggested that one should give gifts in the form of post-dated cheques encashable only if the marriage lasts for a minimum of five years. I thought this was quite a sensible suggestion. Otherwise, in several cases, people would have to sue for a refund. And you know how long cases take in court!