EXCLUSIVE: World Mental Health Day 2022 - How to tell your child you are divorcing, precautions to take

Telling children that their parents will no longer be together is one of the toughest things in the world. On World Mental Health Day, we spoke to an expert as to how to reveal to your child this difficult truth and things to keep in mind.

World Mental Health Day 2022: Divorce or separation from your partner is never easy and it becomes all the more difficult when you are a parent. At a time when you are going through a tough time and are most likely experiencing emotional trauma, you will need to ensure the well-being of your children too. The mental health of the child as well as your own mental health needs to be taken care of. On World Mental Health Day, we spoke to Reema Ahmad, NLP Life Coach, Counsellor, Trauma Healer, and Author of "Unparenting- Sharing Awkward Truths with Curious Kids", about how to deal with kids when you are divorcing.

'Your ex will always remain connected to your child'

Ahmad says that the first thing that one needs to remember is that while your partner is soon going to become an ex or that you will no longer share a life together with him/her, your child is and will always be connected to your ex-partner by birth. "That is something one can't and shouldn't interfere with, no matter how hard and how much the acrimony in the separation. It can be very difficult in many cases, especially when there's a lot of negativity. But as much as possible, keep in mind that your child has a right to access the other parent and will always be connected to the other parent. So make sure the child is not overburdened and there's not a lot of negativity towards the other parent because of what you have gone through, because of your experiences. It can be very hard to do this as there's usually a lot of suffering and grief around divorces. But we must remember kids are not emotionally mature enough to handle our burden. So keep the emotional well-being of children a priority. Balance and neutralise as much as possible and find somebody else to share your problems with, so that your child is not burdened," says Ahmad. 

'Take care of your child's and your own mental health'

When it comes to a child's mental health, Ahmad says that we must first accept the fact that no matter how much we try, the mental health of the child is going to get affected. Their reality - the world as they knew it, the family as they knew it - is completely going to change. "There's nothing you can do to prevent that because you are separating. What you can do is to make sure that the child has access to a support system - friends, someone older, and if needed go for counselling. Also ensure that you have an influx of family and friends and bring joy into your house, wherever you are; One must ensure that all of the discussions within the house are not largely about divorce or separation as that can get overwhelming," says Ahmad. Parents must also make sure that they take care of their emotions separately. One can think of seeking therapy, joining divorce support groups or having friends to share their grief with so that they don't bring that into their relationship with their child. 

Divorce: Revealing the truth to kids

The revealing tactics will vary with age and parents need to take care of a lot of factors. Ahmad suggests that if it's a toddler, you don't have to tell the child much. But at the same time, you need to convey to the child that there will be changes in their life and prepare them for that. Also, both parents should be telling the child the same thing to avoid confusing them. "If the child is young, try not to give too much of details. But as the child grows, they will ask pointed questions. Say whatever you are comfortable with and whatever you think is safe and relevant for them. However I feel that it's best not to share certain intimate details - unless you think they are much older as can handle them - as they can be very traumatising for children," says Ahmad. She adds that every case is different and if the child's life gets impacted by the actions of the other parent, they might ask pointed questions about the past. If the child is older, a parent may share some details. But a child should not be made to choose between two parents - they should not feel the need to side with one and decide that one's right and one's wrong.

(Pic: Pixabay)

'Children will express rage, parents must be mindful'

The most common reaction in children is rage and that gets expressed in the strangest of ways, Ahmad shares. Separation can mean moving houses, moving out of the family home, at times even the city. "So the loss is not just the loss of not seeing the other parent in daily life but the loss of other things that go with it. For example, the loss of family structure, the familiarity of home, and the familiarity of city, which often includes losing friends, school, and neighbourhood. These are all complicated and big issues," says Ahmad. 

It's important to note that children don't have the vocabulary to express their loss, and their grief can manifest in the form of rage, loss of appetite and sleep. Ahmad points out that a child can also feel a lot of anger towards the parent they are living with as they might feel that you are the one who made the decision and they are suffering because of that. For older kids, there might be withdrawal, there can be anger. Sometimes, children react later as they grow and start to grasp things better. "So while largely, divorce is being normalised - and it should be, no two people should be forced to live together if they are unhappy - but at no point should we make the mistake of thinking it's okay for children. It IS a big deal. So care and mindfulness is needed and parents have a huge role to play in how loving and tender the child remains, and how much anger they feel. If you are constantly complaining about your ex-partner by sharing details of your married life in front of the child, it will be very very hard. They will be forced to take sides. They feel guilty, very very ashamed because children often feel whatever is wrong in their parents' life is because of them. And later, they may resent you for their suffering. So try to find out a way to co-parent and ensure the child feels loved and cared by, by both parents, however difficult it is. If there’s danger of physical harm to your child by an ex or danger of any kind of abuse, then of course it’s another matter, you’ll probably need to keep your child away from the ex partner."

When one parent 'abandons'

The situation becomes all the more difficult when one parent refuses to stay in touch with the child post separation. Then the parent with the child has to bear the brunt of the child's anger, sadness single-handedly and this creates an additional burden.  Therapy is especially important in such cases, Ahmad points out. She also suggests that a support system in the form of relatives or friends belonging to the same gender as the missing parent can help. "It's not a replacement for the parent, but it helps for the child to confide in someone who's not you," says Ahmad.

Is the problem bigger if the mother is 'absconding'? "Abandonment is abandonment, whichever parent it is. Culturally we are made to believe a mother never leaves a child, so that might have an impact, but at the end of the day it affects the child the same way, be it the father or the mother," shares Ahmad.